


mental health.

by seekrest



Series: febuwhump 2020. [20]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker’s overwhelming guilt complex™️, Protective Peter Parker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22818271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekrest/pseuds/seekrest
Summary: “Kid--”“Don’t.” Peter whispers as he closed his eyes, anticipating what Tony had to say - words that in any other instance, he would love to hear but in the moment - couldn’t bear it.He didn’t want to hear that everyone was fine, didn’t want to hear that he had done everything that he could or that he didn’t need to worry.Michelle and Ben were alive, he could be thankful for that.But Peter hadn’t been the one to save them, fearing now that he never would really be able to.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: febuwhump 2020. [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619581
Comments: 25
Kudos: 121





	mental health.

Peter’s hands were shaking, focusing on the wall in front of him as he tried to come to grips with himself - his chest moving a little too fast as his leg started to bounce. 

He could hear Michelle’s soft whispers to Ben in the other room, could hear the doors slide open and close - Tony’s distinctive steps walking towards him - but Peter’s not in the mood, still too wrapped up in the terror that he was unsuccessfully trying to keep in control. 

It was his fault that they were over here, glad in several ways that Tony had rebought the Tower after the Blip - still having a medical team on-call for any problems or issues that came his way.

Peter knew it was all for him, in the least arrogant way possible - the man that he’d looked up to as a hero for years being the kind of father figure now he never could’ve imagined when he was fifteen. 

He could still remember the days when Tony and May awkwardly tried to figure out a way to work with each other - how it’d felt to bounce between the Compound upstate every other weekend and spending time with May and the city every other - joking with Ned that he felt almost like they had joint custody of him. 

It had been a joke but it felt real now - Tony, Pepper and Morgan being just as an integral part of his life as May, Michelle and Ben were, the kind of happy family that in his younger days - Peter hadn’t ever thought would be possible for him. 

Peter’s eyes closed as he twisted his hands together - a shot of fear and adrenaline at the reminder of how close he came to losing the some of those very people, losing his _family_ \- all because of him. 

He can hear Tony walk up beside him but doesn’t look, still wringing his hands together as he tried to calm down - feeling his hands shake as Tony sits down beside him and sighs. 

“Kid--”

“ _Don’t_.” Peter whispers as he closed his eyes, already anticipating what Tony had to say - words that in any other instance, he would love to hear but in the moment - couldn’t bear it. 

He didn’t want to hear that everyone was fine, didn’t want to hear that he had done everything that he could or that he didn’t need to worry. 

Michelle and Ben were alive, he could be thankful for that. 

But Peter hadn’t been the one to save them, fearing now that he never would really be able to. 

Peter opened his eyes, his hands still shaking as Tony slowly leans closer - putting a gentle hand to his shoulder. 

Peter doesn’t shake him off, eyes firmly fixed on the floor as his breathing starts to grow more erratic, feeling the panic attack coming on as he tries to ground himself. 

It was his fault that his wife had a gash on her forehead - that Ben had a bruise on his thigh from where Michelle had pushed him out of the way, cursing at himself that he hadn’t been aware of the danger in the living room. 

His mind ran on an endless loop, the tears that Ben had cried, terrified at how much Michelle was bleeding - something that had rooted Peter in place before he’d finally sprung into action. 

“Peter.” Tony’s voice cuts through his spiraling thoughts, the gentle hand on his shoulder giving a small squeeze. “Peter, I need you to breathe with me.”

“I can’t--I can’t--” Peter gasps, bringing his hands out of their grip and moving to brace them against his thighs - feeling like he was on the verge of hyperventilating. 

He’s a failure, a complete failure - he hadn’t been able to save his family and now here he was, not even with them trying to reassure them, making it all about himself again as his grasp of reality starts to crumble around him.

It’s a feeling in his gut, crawling up his spine and causing a vise grip in his heart - his chest feeling like there’s a cinder block on it, making it hard to breathe. 

But Tony’s suddenly in his vision, moving his head to look at him. “Yes you can, look at me. In.” Tony breathed in, Peter trying to follow his example as his head bobbed up down. “And out. 

Peter’s exhale was shaky but it was there, Tony motioning in encouragement. “Again. In. Out.”

Peter’s eyes search Tony’s face, the wrinkles and grey hair that in any other instance he would tease him about being the only thing grounding him as he follows his instructions, going through the motions of breathing several times.

His mind is still racing but the steady, physical act of breathing draws his attention elsewhere - seeing the way Tony’s eyes draw him in, focusing intently on making his chest rise and fall in the same rhythm as Tony’s. 

He doesn’t keep track of how long it takes for this heart to stop racing but Tony seems to register the change, nodding as he smiled. “You with me?”

Peter nodded, the anxiety that had enclosed around him slowly transforming into overwhelming guilt as he shakes his head. “Tony--”

“No, listen to me, kid. Tonight? That wasn’t your fault.”

Peter shakes his head even more. “No, it is. I should’ve-- I should’ve _known_ something was wrong.” He pleads with Tony, hoping that the understands - seeing something crack in Tony’s expression.

Ever since he’d gotten bit, he’d relied on a sixth sense - something that both May and Michelle had joked as being a “tingle” much to his annoyance. 

It had saved him time and time again, so much that he’d come to almost take it for granted - expecting that for any semblance of danger, he would be warned. 

Tonight he learned firsthand how wrong that assumption had been.

His mind immediately goes back to Michelle’s terrified expression when she put a hand to his arm, looking furious and confused at him as Peter’s eyes had widened - taking her in.

She had been bleeding from her forehead, Ben screaming in terror as he latched onto Michelle - her shirt tattered and her lip busted, bruised enough to make Peter’s stomach drop. 

He’d been in the back office, wearing the soundproof headphones that Tony had made specially for him over his ears as he worked on a part of his suit - completely unaware of the intruder that had broken in.

Had it not been for Michelle’s quick thinking, grabbing the baseball bat that she’d gotten as a joke - Peter would be dealing with a completely different layer of guilt. 

But even if Michelle had successfully fought off the intruder, she hadn’t gone by unscathed - Peter tormented with the understanding that his sense of danger, the one thing he could rely on in an unreliable world, had lulled him to a false sense of security.

That while Michelle had been fighting off someone who could’ve ended the lives of the two people Peter would do anything for, he had been completely oblivious in the other room - his danger sense muted, the horrifying realization that it only extended towards himself. 

“I could’ve lost them.” Peter finally whispers, Tony’s lips pressing together and a firm expression on his face.

“But you didn’t. They’re okay, Pete. MJ,” he shakes his head, “She’ll never be a damsel in distress, that’s for damn sure.” He tries to joke but Peter isn’t ready for that, furiously shaking his head. 

“It’s not-- it’s not about that, Tony.” Peter says dismissively. “I was there, I was _right there_ and I didn’t-- my senses didn’t--” Peter cuts himself off, the wave of guilt washing over him as he puts his hand in his hands - Tony’s own hand moving from his shoulder to his back.

“I should’ve known.” He whispers, Tony’s hand gently moving in small circles.

“We never knew how all of that worked, kid. There’s no way you could’ve possibly known that—”

“I should’ve.” Peter says more definitively, bringing his head out of his hands. “I’m supposed to be able to protect them.”

Tony sighs, bringing Peter up to face him. “Pete, this isn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for something that was out of your control.”

“Tony, if--”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, Pete.” Tony says, the kindness in his voice still evident even if it’s firm. “Don’t let yourself fall down the rabbit hole of _if_ when you have what _is_.” 

Peter holds his gaze for a beat before nodding, swallowing down the anxiety as best he can as Tony continues. “We’ll figure out something, especially how the jackass got through your alarm system.” 

Peter sighs. “We didn’t even turn it on. We never do, until we go to sleep.”

Tony looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t, just nodding before finally saying, “Pete, you gotta promise me you won’t beat yourself up for this. It was an accident. They’re both okay.” 

“You know I can’t do that.” Peter tried to joke, knowing if he didn’t that Tony wouldn’t let it go.

Tony doesn’t seem to believe him anyway but before he gets a chance to say anything else, a nurse comes in and says, “We got a little boy here asking for his daddy.” 

Peter tries to smile, the guilt creeping in the back of his mind still - wishing he was sixteen again and all it took to feel better was a pep talk from Tony or an encouragement from May. 

He didn’t feel better, not now - maybe not ever, even if he could sense the wisdom in Tony’s words as he goes to stand, could even sense as follows after the nurse that Tony doesn’t have any intention of letting this go - feeling the man’s stare on him from behind. 

Peter shoves it away for now, knowing he won’t be able to for long - focusing his attention back on the steady heartbeats of Michelle and Ben, pulling himself together as best he can. 

Tony’s right, nothing had happened tonight. And for a fleeting moment - Peter could try and push away the guilt that threatened to consume him.

But as the doors open and he sees Michelle again, the stitched up cut and the bruising on the side of her face, the guilt leaps up to his throat - barely putting on a smile for Ben as he laughs.

“Daddy, look!” He waves his arm around to show the Spider-Man bandaid, forcing the smile as he says, “Wow kiddo, that’s great.”

“It’s you!” He says, beaming at Peter - the love and trust that Peter doesn’t feel he doesn’t deserve as he goes forward to kiss Michelle, seeing the way her eyes study him up and down.

“Yeah it is.” Peter whispers, putting a hand to Michelle’s face before smiling down at Ben. 

“Pete.” She whispers but Peter doesn’t acknowledge it, shaking his head slightly as he looks into her eyes.

He can see it - immediate forgiveness, a plea for him to know that she’s okay, that she doesn’t blame him. But Peter can’t accept it, the only thing holding him back from spiraling again being her breathing right in front of him. 

“Best person you could have squirt.” Tony chimes in behind him, Ben laughing as Peter’s attention shifts back to Tony.

“Don’t know, I think Iron Man is my favorite.”

Something flashes behind Tony’s eyes, something that Peter immediately recognizes as concern - the smile on his face being purely for Ben’s benefit as he says, “Spider-Man’s a hero, Pete.”

“Yeah!” Ben yells, his childish glee making Peter’s heart drop as he feels Michelle’s hand move to his arm, staring at Tony for a beat before he says, “Guess he is.”

Tony looks at him like he knows Peter is lying.

Peter doesn’t try and pretend that he isn’t. 

**Author's Note:**

> Can you believe that as of today we are in SINGLE DIGITS OF DAYS LEFT FOR FEBUWHUMP???? I can’t. 
> 
> Special thanks to blondsak for giving the idea of Peter’s spider-sense not extending past himself and for hailing who talked about a two-parter with me. 
> 
> Part two will be posted tomorrow under lethal!


End file.
